WEBVTT NOTE This file was generated by Descript 00:00:02.049 --> 00:00:05.819 Julia Marvin: Hello everyone and welcome to our webinar, transform Your Life, 00:00:05.819 --> 00:00:08.219 the Power of Practicing Self-Compassion. 00:00:08.519 --> 00:00:10.799 My name is Julia Marvin, and I'll be your moderator. 00:00:11.260 --> 00:00:13.840 Before we start, I wanna take a moment to thank our sponsor, 00:00:13.840 --> 00:00:15.250 the Rotary Club of Golden. 00:00:15.460 --> 00:00:19.060 They are longstanding partners of Jefferson Center and advocates of 00:00:19.060 --> 00:00:20.530 Mental Health in the community. 00:00:20.720 --> 00:00:22.550 Thank you so much for your support. 00:00:23.750 --> 00:00:26.869 I'm also pleased to introduce today's speaker, Lisel Von Duke. 00:00:27.049 --> 00:00:30.530 Liesel is a clinician here at Jefferson Center, and today we're gonna be 00:00:30.530 --> 00:00:34.519 talking about self-compassion and how to practice it within our own lives. 00:00:34.710 --> 00:00:37.740 For many of us, we have an inner critic who can be harsh and take 00:00:37.740 --> 00:00:41.370 over our thoughts and having self-compassion means being gentle, 00:00:41.370 --> 00:00:45.210 kind, and caring to ourselves and building greater emotional strength. 00:00:45.510 --> 00:00:49.080 So Liesal gonna be walking us through some tips and tricks to do that. 00:00:49.470 --> 00:00:52.620 Before I hand the mic over to her, I do have a few housekeeping items 00:00:52.620 --> 00:00:54.240 to cover about the presentation. 00:00:54.690 --> 00:00:58.640 First, the webinar and slide deck will be available after the live session, and 00:00:58.640 --> 00:01:00.890 we will be emailing those links to you. 00:01:01.280 --> 00:01:05.480 I would also encourage you to visit our website at jcmh.org where we have more 00:01:05.480 --> 00:01:09.920 resources along with blog posts related to this topic and information about 00:01:09.920 --> 00:01:11.930 other upcoming webinars we're hosting. 00:01:12.815 --> 00:01:15.605 Please keep your microphones muted and turn off your video during the 00:01:15.605 --> 00:01:19.355 presentation, and you'll also wanna change your zoom view to speaker 00:01:19.355 --> 00:01:21.725 mode for the best viewing experience. 00:01:22.355 --> 00:01:25.445 Next, we'd love to hear from you during the presentation, so if you have a 00:01:25.445 --> 00:01:28.955 question for Lisel, please feel free to send it through the chat at the bottom 00:01:28.955 --> 00:01:32.375 of your player and we'll be answering those questions at the end of the session. 00:01:32.375 --> 00:01:35.375 If we don't get to your question during the webinar, we'll be 00:01:35.375 --> 00:01:36.425 sure to follow up afterwards. 00:01:37.500 --> 00:01:40.740 And last, we'd like to encourage you to follow us on our social networks and 00:01:40.740 --> 00:01:44.400 share this recording of the webinar and other information about Jefferson Center. 00:01:44.940 --> 00:01:47.789 And so now without any further ado, Lisel, over to you. 00:01:49.080 --> 00:01:53.130 Liesl Von Duke: Thank you so much Julia, and I am very pleased to be here with 00:01:53.130 --> 00:01:56.250 you today to talk about self-compassion. 00:01:56.950 --> 00:02:01.240 You will need a pencil and paper for this presentation, so I'm gonna give you a 00:02:01.240 --> 00:02:03.700 few seconds to go grab pencil and paper. 00:02:14.745 --> 00:02:19.905 All right, hopefully everybody has grabbed their pencil and paper. 00:02:20.205 --> 00:02:24.390 I am very pleased to be presenting today for the Jefferson Center. 00:02:25.090 --> 00:02:29.320 This presentation is about self-compassion and integrating 00:02:29.320 --> 00:02:31.300 self-compassion into your daily life. 00:02:32.050 --> 00:02:35.680 Along with this presentation, you can find many other presentations 00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:37.630 on the Jefferson Center website. 00:02:38.240 --> 00:02:39.605 I found them to be very helpful. 00:02:42.875 --> 00:02:45.875 So the Jefferson Center is here for you. 00:02:46.505 --> 00:02:52.565 We have been in the community for over 60 years, and we serve Jefferson 00:02:52.565 --> 00:02:54.755 Clear Creek and Gilpin Counties. 00:02:55.505 --> 00:03:00.485 Our mission is to inspire hope, to improve lives, and to strengthen our community 00:03:00.485 --> 00:03:05.075 by providing mental health and related solutions for individuals and families. 00:03:09.035 --> 00:03:13.835 We serve everyone in the community, from babies to elder adults, as well 00:03:13.835 --> 00:03:15.785 as veterans and military personnel. 00:03:15.825 --> 00:03:21.835 We offer traditional individual youth and family counseling, but we also 00:03:21.835 --> 00:03:25.248 have many programs that people don't know about at the Jefferson Center, 00:03:25.248 --> 00:03:29.512 such as our peer specialist program, where members of the community have 00:03:29.512 --> 00:03:36.262 experienced mental health issues and they support peers in the community who 00:03:36.262 --> 00:03:37.507 are struggling with those same issues. 00:03:38.707 --> 00:03:44.567 We also have wellness classes and wellness coaching, parenting resources. 00:03:45.017 --> 00:03:49.937 We have parent educators that can come in and help parents with parenting issues 00:03:49.937 --> 00:03:51.287 they're having with their children. 00:03:51.657 --> 00:03:57.232 We have school-based therapists in many of the schools across 00:03:57.232 --> 00:03:59.032 the three counties that we serve. 00:03:59.602 --> 00:04:03.462 And we also have substance abuse treatment for people who are 00:04:03.462 --> 00:04:05.172 struggling with substance use. 00:04:09.012 --> 00:04:13.062 So my name is Lisel Von Duke, and I am a licensed professional counselor. 00:04:13.392 --> 00:04:18.302 I have been working with the Jefferson Center for six years now, 00:04:18.542 --> 00:04:22.442 and I'm really proud of the work that we do at the Jefferson Center. 00:04:22.682 --> 00:04:26.942 We're so in touch with the community and we strive every day to have the access 00:04:26.942 --> 00:04:31.142 for care for the community and the many different ways that I've talked about. 00:04:31.142 --> 00:04:34.172 And we have even more services that are available if you 00:04:34.172 --> 00:04:35.552 wanna look at our website. 00:04:35.912 --> 00:04:40.472 Like I said, it's just a real privilege to be a counselor for the Jefferson Center. 00:04:41.192 --> 00:04:47.672 Some fun facts about me are that I am the mother of six children, five adults and 00:04:47.672 --> 00:04:52.512 one 15-year-old, and I love the outdoors. 00:04:52.512 --> 00:04:57.362 I love hiking and doing yoga outdoors, exploring the outdoors and traveling. 00:04:57.922 --> 00:04:59.992 And I have two little fur babies. 00:05:00.422 --> 00:05:05.012 The guy up in the right hand corner's name is Hobey and he's an eight month 00:05:05.012 --> 00:05:10.592 old golden retriever that has certainly been a blessing and a challenge. 00:05:11.102 --> 00:05:16.472 And in the left hand corner is my dog, Kaya, and she is a shihtzu. 00:05:16.592 --> 00:05:17.732 No pun intended. 00:05:18.762 --> 00:05:22.102 She's a 9-year-old little bundle of joy. 00:05:23.319 --> 00:05:26.829 So practicing self-compassion, let's jump into it. 00:05:27.249 --> 00:05:29.349 What is compassion? 00:05:30.909 --> 00:05:35.294 Compassion is the sympathetic consciousness of others distress 00:05:36.464 --> 00:05:38.954 together with a desire to alleviate it. 00:05:39.434 --> 00:05:41.294 That's what the dictionary says. 00:05:41.504 --> 00:05:45.524 In the dictionary there is no definition for self-compassion. 00:05:46.394 --> 00:05:47.624 Isn't that interesting? 00:05:48.704 --> 00:05:52.464 But anyway, compassion in general is being conscious of other people's 00:05:52.464 --> 00:05:54.114 distress and trying to help them. 00:05:56.634 --> 00:06:01.394 So self-compassion is compassion that we direct towards ourselves. 00:06:01.814 --> 00:06:05.684 Especially in instances where we're feeling inadequate, when we feel like we 00:06:05.684 --> 00:06:08.774 failed, or in times of general suffering. 00:06:09.114 --> 00:06:14.664 I think we can all agree that we're really experiencing some general suffering 00:06:14.664 --> 00:06:17.244 right now with the COVID pandemic. 00:06:17.244 --> 00:06:21.144 It's been a very stressful time for everyone, and it's even 00:06:21.144 --> 00:06:24.444 more important right now that we practice self-compassion. 00:06:25.302 --> 00:06:30.942 So it can be really hard to be compassionate to yourself, and 00:06:30.942 --> 00:06:32.862 there are some reasons for this. 00:06:34.212 --> 00:06:38.742 One of the first reasons is that self-compassion is outside 00:06:38.742 --> 00:06:40.122 of our cultural standards. 00:06:40.122 --> 00:06:44.652 From the time we're young, we're told to be strong, to suck it up. 00:06:45.432 --> 00:06:50.472 We rarely are told to be gentle with ourselves to accept ourselves. 00:06:51.687 --> 00:06:55.707 We are told we have to be our best and do the best, and we're encouraged 00:06:55.707 --> 00:07:00.207 towards perfection, but we're not told to go easy on ourselves or to 00:07:00.207 --> 00:07:01.857 give ourselves the care that we need. 00:07:04.227 --> 00:07:08.457 Another issue is that we lack the tools to practice self-compassion. 00:07:09.267 --> 00:07:10.947 We are not given the tools. 00:07:11.397 --> 00:07:16.407 Did any of you ever, when you were growing up, have anyone teach you how to speak 00:07:16.407 --> 00:07:23.194 kindly to yourself or to practice self care or to take time out for yourself. 00:07:24.334 --> 00:07:26.704 If you did, you were amongst the minority. 00:07:27.364 --> 00:07:33.694 We're taught to be human doings rather than human beings to fill our lives with 00:07:33.934 --> 00:07:39.664 busyness and to care for others rather than caring for ourselves, and we distract 00:07:39.664 --> 00:07:42.604 ourselves with tasks and doing things. 00:07:44.539 --> 00:07:50.449 Another barrier to self-compassion is that it feels vulnerable. 00:07:52.669 --> 00:07:57.379 When we are being compassionate to ourselves, it can feel scary because 00:07:57.379 --> 00:08:00.419 our thoughts aren't always very kind. 00:08:01.259 --> 00:08:04.949 Sometimes we are not very encouraging of ourselves. 00:08:05.984 --> 00:08:11.384 So rather than find compassion and self-care for ourselves, we distract 00:08:11.744 --> 00:08:14.474 with tasks and doing things for others. 00:08:15.474 --> 00:08:18.984 So what are the tools for practicing self-compassion? 00:08:19.704 --> 00:08:21.894 That's what we're going to talk about today. 00:08:22.404 --> 00:08:27.087 We wanna focus on learning a few of the tools that we can incorporate 00:08:27.087 --> 00:08:31.167 in our lives that will help us be kinder and gentler to ourselves. 00:08:32.577 --> 00:08:37.017 We're gonna talk about being gentle with the way that we speak to ourselves. 00:08:38.307 --> 00:08:43.377 We're going to talk about challenging our need to be perfect. 00:08:44.787 --> 00:08:49.617 We're gonna talk about accepting the support of others and practicing 00:08:49.617 --> 00:08:51.387 mindfulness in our daily lives. 00:08:52.677 --> 00:08:57.687 Treating yourself kindly means being gentle with yourself, but it 00:08:57.687 --> 00:09:00.987 also means prioritizing yourself. 00:09:02.152 --> 00:09:05.722 This jar represents your life. 00:09:06.722 --> 00:09:12.962 The rocks inside of it represent you, your mind, your body, your spirit, 00:09:13.022 --> 00:09:15.362 your thoughts, and your emotions. 00:09:16.362 --> 00:09:22.302 This jar of pebbles represents the people in your life, your family, your friends, 00:09:22.302 --> 00:09:24.672 your coworkers, and your acquaintances. 00:09:25.677 --> 00:09:29.577 This jar of sand represents the other things in your life that keep you busy, 00:09:29.757 --> 00:09:35.187 like your job and your family duties, your household duties, all those things 00:09:35.187 --> 00:09:36.987 that you spend your time being busy with. 00:09:37.987 --> 00:09:44.257 Look at the jar of sand if you fill your life with work and other commitments. 00:09:44.977 --> 00:09:46.417 There is no room for you. 00:09:48.517 --> 00:09:50.047 Look at the jar of pebbles. 00:09:51.727 --> 00:09:56.947 If you fill your life doing things for others, there is no room for you. 00:09:57.974 --> 00:10:01.964 But if you put yourself first and you care for your mind and body 00:10:01.964 --> 00:10:05.959 and spirit, you will have room for the other things in your life. 00:10:07.054 --> 00:10:11.464 And by prioritizing yourself, you will have the bandwidth to be fully present 00:10:11.554 --> 00:10:13.624 for your people and your commitments. 00:10:14.284 --> 00:10:18.664 The moral of the story is to prioritize yourself because you are important. 00:10:19.534 --> 00:10:22.954 If you take care of yourself and you make yourself a priority, you're going 00:10:22.954 --> 00:10:30.261 to have the energy to be able to be more present for the people and the 00:10:30.261 --> 00:10:32.361 things in your life that you hold dear. 00:10:33.264 --> 00:10:40.284 So prioritizing yourself is a very important thing, but what 00:10:40.284 --> 00:10:45.219 else is important when you're practicing self-compassion? 00:10:46.444 --> 00:10:46.984 All right. 00:10:47.194 --> 00:10:53.134 This is where you need your paper and pencil because I'm going to give you 60 00:10:53.134 --> 00:11:00.484 seconds to write down as many positive things as you can about yourself. 00:11:01.324 --> 00:11:07.699 These need to be strengths, character traits or things that you're good at. 00:11:07.699 --> 00:11:09.349 Anything that's positive. 00:11:11.389 --> 00:11:13.999 All right, ready, set and go. 00:12:15.264 --> 00:12:15.554 Okay. 00:12:15.679 --> 00:12:16.579 Time's up. 00:12:17.509 --> 00:12:22.531 I want you to take a moment to feel what your body feels like. 00:12:24.151 --> 00:12:26.701 And what was that minute like for you? 00:12:27.331 --> 00:12:28.801 Did it feel like an hour? 00:12:29.611 --> 00:12:31.021 Did it go quickly for you? 00:12:32.191 --> 00:12:35.191 We'll talk about this later when we have question and answers Time. 00:12:36.871 --> 00:12:43.846 Now we're going to do another activity along the same vein, and we're going 00:12:43.846 --> 00:12:49.486 to write down all of the things that you don't like about yourself. 00:12:50.266 --> 00:12:54.736 So I want you to write down things that you don't like about your appearance, 00:12:55.246 --> 00:12:59.796 your capabilities, your negative traits, anything that's negative about 00:12:59.796 --> 00:13:01.446 yourself that you don't care for. 00:13:03.066 --> 00:13:03.516 Ready? 00:13:04.311 --> 00:13:04.661 Begin. 00:14:05.826 --> 00:14:06.426 Okay. 00:14:07.446 --> 00:14:13.026 Again, I want you to center yourself and recognize how that felt. 00:14:13.446 --> 00:14:16.086 What did it feel like to write down all of the things that 00:14:16.086 --> 00:14:17.496 you don't like about yourself? 00:14:19.146 --> 00:14:23.886 I'm going to guess that it was much more difficult for you to find things 00:14:23.886 --> 00:14:29.211 that you're positive about than it was to find things that are negative. 00:14:30.861 --> 00:14:34.881 I'm guessing that the list of negatives is a little bit longer 00:14:35.151 --> 00:14:37.971 than the list of positive strengths. 00:14:39.157 --> 00:14:43.207 Treating yourself kindly means positive self-talk. 00:14:44.497 --> 00:14:49.207 Positive self-talk is a very important part of self-compassion. 00:14:50.257 --> 00:14:56.287 It is also very difficult because when you spent many years talking 00:14:56.287 --> 00:15:01.027 to yourself negatively, it can be very difficult to change that habit. 00:15:02.317 --> 00:15:08.977 That internal self critic has a loud voice and can be very difficult to quiet. 00:15:11.452 --> 00:15:14.782 But it is possible with some work. 00:15:15.322 --> 00:15:20.952 It is possible to silence the inner critic and learn how to talk to yourself kindly. 00:15:22.902 --> 00:15:27.252 The first step is to learn to be aware of the way that you are talking to yourself. 00:15:27.252 --> 00:15:32.832 So that means you have to have a lot of self-awareness around the thoughts 00:15:33.282 --> 00:15:34.872 that you're having in your head. 00:15:36.822 --> 00:15:41.142 Then once you're aware of those negative thoughts, you can challenge them and 00:15:41.142 --> 00:15:44.322 reframe them to make them positive. 00:15:45.499 --> 00:15:50.909 For example on the left is a negative thought that we're feeding into. 00:15:51.429 --> 00:15:53.349 The negative thought is, I'm fat. 00:15:54.519 --> 00:16:00.759 The feeling then is sadness, disgust for yourself, feeling depressed. 00:16:02.049 --> 00:16:04.119 Then it leads to another thought. 00:16:04.239 --> 00:16:06.099 No one is ever gonna like me. 00:16:07.339 --> 00:16:11.149 Then the behavior is that person kind of withdraws. 00:16:11.734 --> 00:16:15.574 Doesn't wanna be around people feeling badly about themselves. 00:16:16.954 --> 00:16:21.004 On the right side, we have someone who's learning to challenge 00:16:21.004 --> 00:16:22.804 those negative thought processes. 00:16:23.134 --> 00:16:25.144 So the negative thought is, I'm fat. 00:16:26.014 --> 00:16:29.644 And then that person catches the thought, oops, that's a negative 00:16:29.644 --> 00:16:32.839 thought and not entirely accurate. 00:16:33.514 --> 00:16:34.774 I am not fat. 00:16:35.104 --> 00:16:39.364 I have gained a little bit of weight and I can do something about that. 00:16:39.364 --> 00:16:41.044 So I'm gonna try to eat healthy today. 00:16:42.619 --> 00:16:49.789 Do you see how catching the thought, challenging it and reframing it 00:16:50.239 --> 00:16:55.636 sets that person into a positive mood, a positive place of being? 00:16:56.674 --> 00:17:00.694 Once you begin to replace those negative thoughts with positive thoughts, you 00:17:00.694 --> 00:17:04.744 will begin to see significant changes in your mood and in the way you 00:17:04.744 --> 00:17:06.784 interact with other people in general. 00:17:07.264 --> 00:17:10.354 You will start seeing positive results. 00:17:11.367 --> 00:17:16.047 Another thing that's really important in treating yourself kindly is not 00:17:16.047 --> 00:17:18.057 comparing yourself to other people. 00:17:18.907 --> 00:17:22.057 This is really hard in our society today. 00:17:22.327 --> 00:17:26.827 We are constantly comparing ourselves, whether you are watching television and 00:17:26.827 --> 00:17:30.577 they're telling you what you need to have, and then you're comparing what you have 00:17:30.877 --> 00:17:35.167 to what they're telling you need to have, or you're looking on social media and 00:17:35.167 --> 00:17:37.417 you're comparing yourself to other people. 00:17:38.197 --> 00:17:41.227 I'm gonna give you a personal example of this. 00:17:42.517 --> 00:17:45.367 During this pandemic, I've gained a little weight. 00:17:45.367 --> 00:17:47.797 I like to call it my own COVID-19. 00:17:49.007 --> 00:17:55.117 So I decided to do something about it and I started making some lifestyle changes 00:17:55.147 --> 00:18:01.087 and I am engaged in a webpage on Facebook. 00:18:01.477 --> 00:18:04.567 A support group to help people who are trying to lose weight. 00:18:05.407 --> 00:18:11.377 And after my first week, I lost five pounds, but I didn't feel good about it. 00:18:12.217 --> 00:18:17.647 And the reason why is that I had been on the social media page and 00:18:17.647 --> 00:18:21.637 people were losing eight pounds and 11 pounds and 12 pounds their 00:18:21.637 --> 00:18:24.067 first week, and I only lost five. 00:18:24.997 --> 00:18:32.017 So rather than being excited for my success, I felt badly because 00:18:32.017 --> 00:18:33.577 I was comparing myself to others. 00:18:35.047 --> 00:18:42.007 Then I remembered that comparing myself is pretty negative and I need 00:18:42.007 --> 00:18:47.887 to change my thought process because this is my journey, this is my body, 00:18:47.917 --> 00:18:50.677 and I can't compare myself to others. 00:18:51.367 --> 00:18:58.747 So by changing my thought process, I was able to give myself the self-compassion 00:18:58.747 --> 00:19:03.727 that I deserved and the kudos that I deserved for losing five pounds. 00:19:05.137 --> 00:19:07.657 So don't compare yourself to others. 00:19:07.927 --> 00:19:11.077 It is your journey and focus on your own successes. 00:19:12.124 --> 00:19:17.764 Another important part of treating yourself kindly is 00:19:17.764 --> 00:19:20.224 ignoring outside influences. 00:19:21.394 --> 00:19:27.814 The opinions of others don't matter unless they're in the trenches with you. 00:19:28.489 --> 00:19:33.529 Unless they're on this journey with you, side by side, helping you along the way. 00:19:34.559 --> 00:19:42.929 This is the best example of this that I've heard was the statement by Teddy Roosevelt 00:19:42.929 --> 00:19:48.749 that has now been brought about and made famous by Brene Brown in her work that 00:19:48.749 --> 00:19:51.389 she does around shame and vulnerability. 00:19:51.849 --> 00:19:54.954 I'm going to read this to you because I think it's really important. 00:19:56.724 --> 00:20:02.529 It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out the strong 00:20:02.529 --> 00:20:07.059 man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. 00:20:07.959 --> 00:20:14.709 The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is 00:20:14.709 --> 00:20:22.599 marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes up 00:20:22.599 --> 00:20:29.364 short again and again, because there is no effort without error in shortcoming; but 00:20:29.364 --> 00:20:35.454 who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great 00:20:35.454 --> 00:20:42.414 devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end, 00:20:42.744 --> 00:20:49.914 the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails 00:20:50.034 --> 00:20:57.684 while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid 00:20:57.684 --> 00:21:02.184 souls who never know victory nor defeat. 00:21:05.154 --> 00:21:11.994 So in essence, what this is saying is those people who are not on your journey, 00:21:12.024 --> 00:21:19.014 who do not know your story, do not have a voice or an opinion that matters to you. 00:21:19.719 --> 00:21:25.299 It is those people who are in the arena, who they themselves are 00:21:25.389 --> 00:21:28.029 marred by dust, sweat, and blood. 00:21:29.439 --> 00:21:33.189 Those are the people whose opinions you should be considering. 00:21:33.699 --> 00:21:36.099 Otherwise, it doesn't matter. 00:21:37.337 --> 00:21:42.887 Another important part of self-compassion is giving yourself 00:21:43.067 --> 00:21:45.797 permission to be imperfect. 00:21:48.287 --> 00:21:53.627 Uh, perfectionism, it runs rampant in our society. 00:21:55.067 --> 00:21:58.607 It is part of those cultural standards that I was talking about. 00:21:59.357 --> 00:22:02.087 Be the best, do the best, achieve. 00:22:02.957 --> 00:22:06.047 These are the cultural standards that have created a monster. 00:22:07.562 --> 00:22:12.932 If you are looking at this slide right now and the fact that this 00:22:12.932 --> 00:22:18.662 picture is not centered, there is a good possibility that you suffer from 00:22:18.662 --> 00:22:20.929 perfectionism, and I'm one of you. 00:22:22.639 --> 00:22:24.379 I battle this every day. 00:22:25.909 --> 00:22:29.439 Accept imperfection and move forward imperfectly. 00:22:30.429 --> 00:22:35.199 Perfection is not the same thing as striving for excellence. 00:22:36.399 --> 00:22:38.199 You can strive for excellence. 00:22:38.199 --> 00:22:40.299 You can do your best every day. 00:22:41.049 --> 00:22:43.149 It's not going to be perfect. 00:22:43.516 --> 00:22:49.336 It's not going to be perfect because you are a human being and you have to give 00:22:49.336 --> 00:22:52.306 yourself the permission to be imperfect. 00:22:54.301 --> 00:22:57.841 Expecting yourself to be perfect is creating an unattainable 00:22:57.841 --> 00:22:59.371 expectation for yourself. 00:23:00.064 --> 00:23:06.484 So when you are finding that you're having thoughts or feelings that you 00:23:06.484 --> 00:23:12.544 need to be doing something perfectly, it's important for you to step back and 00:23:12.544 --> 00:23:14.794 evaluate who are you trying to please? 00:23:15.604 --> 00:23:19.959 Are you trying to please yourself or others, or are you trying to 00:23:20.211 --> 00:23:23.421 be pleasing to society in general. 00:23:23.787 --> 00:23:29.847 Or are you doing these things for the experience or for a perfect outcome? 00:23:31.167 --> 00:23:33.147 So this is another point of evaluation. 00:23:33.837 --> 00:23:41.921 Doing things for the experience can really change the way that you realize life. 00:23:42.501 --> 00:23:44.001 I'm gonna give you an example. 00:23:44.811 --> 00:23:52.181 I have a daughter, she's 25, and she's never happy and the reason for this is 00:23:52.211 --> 00:23:56.411 that she gets an idea of the way that she wants something to be in her head. 00:23:57.101 --> 00:24:02.081 And generally this idea is pretty above the bar, right? 00:24:02.591 --> 00:24:04.571 She sets her expectations pretty high. 00:24:05.351 --> 00:24:11.241 And then when she engages in whatever it is that she set this idea up 00:24:11.241 --> 00:24:14.511 for, it fails, of course it fails. 00:24:14.601 --> 00:24:18.801 Like she had this idea of what her vacation was going to be like with her 00:24:18.801 --> 00:24:23.721 partner and it wasn't exactly the way she wanted it to be, so it was failure. 00:24:25.581 --> 00:24:31.034 So setting an expectation that is outside of what can actually 00:24:31.034 --> 00:24:35.469 happen means that you're going to constantly be disappointed. 00:24:36.369 --> 00:24:43.149 So you have to give yourself permission to say, I'm going to let this 00:24:43.239 --> 00:24:45.669 roll out the way that it wants to. 00:24:46.119 --> 00:24:52.509 I'm going to be more involved in the experience in the process than I am in the 00:24:52.509 --> 00:24:55.294 expectation that I have for the outcome. 00:24:58.179 --> 00:25:01.209 Another thing that's really important, and this goes along with that 00:25:01.209 --> 00:25:05.439 story just said, is setting the realistic goal for your own success 00:25:05.439 --> 00:25:08.059 or for whatever you're engaging in. 00:25:08.399 --> 00:25:15.149 If you set yourself up with such a high bar that's it's going to be unattainable 00:25:15.149 --> 00:25:20.279 for you to reach, you're constantly going to feel that you're failing, when in 00:25:20.279 --> 00:25:22.409 fact you're probably doing really well. 00:25:23.984 --> 00:25:26.907 So set those realistic goals for yourself. 00:25:27.991 --> 00:25:33.931 It's also really important to remember that you are not alone. 00:25:34.687 --> 00:25:37.417 You have people who are supporting you. 00:25:37.867 --> 00:25:40.537 Access the support that is available to you. 00:25:40.927 --> 00:25:45.547 If you do not have support, you can contact the Jefferson Center and we will 00:25:45.547 --> 00:25:50.557 help you get involved in programs that will help you build a network of support. 00:25:51.337 --> 00:25:57.097 But you must have people that hold that safety net for you that you 00:25:57.097 --> 00:25:59.377 can go to when you're struggling. 00:26:00.971 --> 00:26:02.651 So when you're having a problem. 00:26:03.911 --> 00:26:08.711 You need to try to connect with someone who gets it right, so look 00:26:08.921 --> 00:26:15.011 in your network of support and find people who understand you. 00:26:15.911 --> 00:26:20.631 For instance, if you're a teacher and you had a problem with a student, 00:26:21.501 --> 00:26:26.691 you may want to share that with someone who can identify with you. 00:26:27.021 --> 00:26:31.221 If you go to your partner and he or she is a rocket scientist. 00:26:31.836 --> 00:26:35.946 They may not understand what it was like when little Johnny had a 00:26:35.946 --> 00:26:41.076 meltdown in your classroom, but your coworker teacher, they'll understand. 00:26:41.766 --> 00:26:45.156 So that's someone you wanna make sure you're connecting with people that 00:26:45.156 --> 00:26:48.769 get what you're going through, who can empathize with you, and then you need 00:26:48.769 --> 00:26:51.119 to stop worrying about being a bother. 00:26:51.909 --> 00:26:56.079 This is a big one, especially if you're a caregiving kind of person. 00:26:56.499 --> 00:26:59.619 If you have a heart for others, and most people who struggle 00:26:59.619 --> 00:27:01.179 with self-compassion, do. 00:27:02.289 --> 00:27:06.819 You have to remember that it's okay to reach out to people and 00:27:06.819 --> 00:27:08.319 that you are not bothering them. 00:27:09.999 --> 00:27:11.799 I want to ask you a question. 00:27:13.599 --> 00:27:18.999 If your important person in your life came to you and said, I need 00:27:18.999 --> 00:27:20.529 to talk to you, I need support. 00:27:21.459 --> 00:27:23.829 Would you consider that a bother? 00:27:24.329 --> 00:27:26.249 I'm guessing probably not. 00:27:27.359 --> 00:27:29.819 And your support people feel the same way. 00:27:30.569 --> 00:27:35.702 So you need to be able to reach out without feeling like you're a 00:27:35.702 --> 00:27:39.062 hindrance or a weight for someone else. 00:27:39.572 --> 00:27:40.577 They want to help you. 00:27:42.212 --> 00:27:46.712 Also, I love this idea and I've been really encouraging people to 00:27:46.712 --> 00:27:52.442 do this, especially during COVID, is arrange times for people to check in. 00:27:52.892 --> 00:27:58.262 So pick a person that you're close to and arrange a time to check in with them. 00:27:58.262 --> 00:28:02.852 Say, let's meet every Friday at five o'clock and just talk about our week. 00:28:03.647 --> 00:28:08.657 Just set that date and help each other be accountable, because you'll find that 00:28:08.657 --> 00:28:14.027 once you connect with that person at that check-in time, even if you think you 00:28:14.027 --> 00:28:17.087 don't have a lot to say, you probably do. 00:28:17.847 --> 00:28:21.717 You'll be amazed at how much you'll have to talk about, and it just 00:28:21.717 --> 00:28:24.987 feels good to be able to check in with someone at the end of the week. 00:28:26.126 --> 00:28:29.666 The final measure of self-compassion we're gonna talk about today 00:28:30.356 --> 00:28:32.576 is practicing mindfulness. 00:28:33.956 --> 00:28:35.636 And mindfulness is just that. 00:28:36.116 --> 00:28:38.816 It's trying to stay present. 00:28:41.122 --> 00:28:44.992 So mindfulness is simply placing your attention on the present moment. 00:28:46.147 --> 00:28:49.627 Though the concept seems really simple, it's really difficult. 00:28:50.777 --> 00:28:55.217 We've trained ourselves to be so busy and our minds to be so active. 00:28:55.577 --> 00:28:59.777 We've trained ourselves to be multitaskers, and it makes it really 00:28:59.777 --> 00:29:04.911 difficult for us to keep our mind on being present and being in the moment. 00:29:06.034 --> 00:29:08.104 So how do you practice mindfulness? 00:29:09.124 --> 00:29:12.514 People practice mindfulness in different ways and you need to 00:29:12.514 --> 00:29:14.344 find what way is good for you. 00:29:14.344 --> 00:29:20.134 I work with clients who really enjoy yoga and meditation, and then other clients 00:29:20.134 --> 00:29:27.224 who can't stand being that still in the moment, so their mindfulness is in taking 00:29:27.224 --> 00:29:31.764 a run or dancing or listening to music. 00:29:32.304 --> 00:29:36.744 There are many, many ways to practice mindfulness and just a few 00:29:36.744 --> 00:29:38.724 of them are noted on this slide. 00:29:40.074 --> 00:29:42.144 Try many different things. 00:29:43.164 --> 00:29:46.374 The focus of mindfulness is just being one mindful. 00:29:47.064 --> 00:29:52.352 So if you're running, focus on your footsteps on the ground. 00:29:53.807 --> 00:29:57.617 If you're doing art, focus on the colors that you're using. 00:29:58.607 --> 00:30:03.927 If you're listening to music, try to listen to each instrument in 00:30:03.927 --> 00:30:05.607 the music that you're listening to. 00:30:06.597 --> 00:30:09.867 It's about getting yourself out of the busyness of the world and 00:30:09.867 --> 00:30:12.567 focusing your mind on one thing. 00:30:13.744 --> 00:30:16.894 Okay, we're gonna practice a little bit of mindfulness now. 00:30:18.484 --> 00:30:20.559 I want everybody to take a big, deep breath. 00:30:27.894 --> 00:30:33.234 You can focus your gaze on the picture in front of you, or you can close your eyes. 00:30:35.889 --> 00:30:39.279 Sit comfortably with your feet on the ground. 00:30:41.739 --> 00:30:45.999 Relax your shoulders away from your ears. 00:30:50.739 --> 00:30:56.634 Sit straight with a crown of your head reaching up to the sky. 00:31:01.299 --> 00:31:06.819 We are gonna take three deep breaths in through the nose 00:31:07.449 --> 00:31:08.704 and out through the mouth. 00:31:11.574 --> 00:31:11.794 One, 00:31:22.504 --> 00:31:22.724 two, 00:31:35.339 --> 00:31:35.689 three. 00:31:47.244 --> 00:31:52.614 Continue breathing deeply as you imagine all of the things 00:31:53.184 --> 00:31:54.384 that have been nagging at you. 00:31:55.599 --> 00:32:01.629 As little threads coming from your body, connecting you to people, 00:32:03.969 --> 00:32:05.259 to places, 00:32:07.329 --> 00:32:08.439 and to things. 00:32:16.029 --> 00:32:23.919 Now imagine that you are plucking each thread from your body, and as 00:32:23.919 --> 00:32:30.609 you do, you send that connection away in light and in love. 00:32:37.449 --> 00:32:42.519 Those threads float away into the atmosphere 00:32:44.934 --> 00:32:49.359 and you feel lighter as you let go of each thread. 00:32:54.189 --> 00:32:59.354 I'll give you a moment to breathe as you let go of those connections. 00:33:26.154 --> 00:33:28.374 Begin to notice your feet on the floor 00:33:32.994 --> 00:33:34.344 and breathe into your body. 00:33:40.709 --> 00:33:45.099 If your eyes are closed, you can open them when you're ready. 00:33:50.994 --> 00:33:55.194 This is a mindfulness activity that you can do at any time of the day. 00:33:56.154 --> 00:34:00.054 Any time that you're feeling stress or anxiety build in your body. 00:34:02.094 --> 00:34:06.861 Another way to check in with yourself is to place your hand on your heart. 00:34:08.331 --> 00:34:09.531 Go ahead and do that now. 00:34:13.491 --> 00:34:14.331 Take a deep breath. 00:34:22.886 --> 00:34:24.081 And now take another. 00:34:33.681 --> 00:34:36.681 Check in with any emotions you might be feeling right now. 00:34:41.781 --> 00:34:43.641 It's good to check in with yourself. 00:34:45.876 --> 00:34:48.726 This type of mindfulness you should be doing throughout the day. 00:34:49.926 --> 00:34:51.396 This is self-compassion. 00:34:52.356 --> 00:34:53.796 This is caring for yourself. 00:34:59.646 --> 00:35:05.166 Remember, self-compassion means learning to treat yourself kindly by 00:35:05.166 --> 00:35:11.936 prioritizing yourself, by challenging your inner critic and by changing 00:35:11.936 --> 00:35:14.121 negative thoughts to positive thoughts. 00:35:15.921 --> 00:35:18.471 Treating yourself kindly also means that you have to stop 00:35:18.471 --> 00:35:20.061 comparing yourself to others. 00:35:22.521 --> 00:35:25.671 You have to allow yourself to be imperfect. 00:35:27.771 --> 00:35:31.671 You have to ignore negative outside influences. 00:35:35.151 --> 00:35:39.876 Finally, finding time to practice mindfulness and trying 00:35:39.876 --> 00:35:42.066 to be fully present in the day. 00:35:44.616 --> 00:35:49.716 When you are fully present, you are practicing self-compassion. 00:35:51.816 --> 00:35:56.676 It is also important to remember that you are not alone and you need to 00:35:56.676 --> 00:35:59.316 reach out for people if you need help. 00:36:03.906 --> 00:36:09.791 If you do feel like you're in a mental health crisis or you know someone who you 00:36:09.791 --> 00:36:14.401 feel might be suffering, it's important to know that the Jefferson Center is 00:36:14.401 --> 00:36:17.131 a part of the Colorado Crisis Service. 00:36:19.291 --> 00:36:26.131 So we have a relationship with Colorado Crisis Services and we offer free 00:36:26.131 --> 00:36:32.836 help, free professional help and crisis intervention 24 hours a day, 00:36:32.836 --> 00:36:35.686 seven days a week, 365 days a year. 00:36:36.526 --> 00:36:41.146 We have a walk-in center at 4643 Wadsworth Boulevard in Wheat Ridge. 00:36:41.416 --> 00:36:43.906 You can go to the walk-in center at any time. 00:36:44.536 --> 00:36:49.156 If it feels uncomfortable to go into the center, you can call the 00:36:49.156 --> 00:36:54.616 Colorado Crisis Line at 844493 talk. 00:36:55.651 --> 00:37:01.621 Or you can text the word talk to 38255 and someone will text with you 00:37:01.621 --> 00:37:03.481 about whatever you're experiencing. 00:37:04.381 --> 00:37:08.941 However, if you are in a personal crisis and you don't have these numbers 00:37:08.941 --> 00:37:12.021 available to you, please call 911. 00:37:13.111 --> 00:37:17.431 This presentation today has been brought to you by the Jefferson Center 00:37:17.671 --> 00:37:23.511 Speakers Bureau, and we offer free presentations to community groups. 00:37:23.831 --> 00:37:29.201 All of our presentations are given by licensed professionals, and we have a 00:37:29.201 --> 00:37:31.781 plethora of topics that we can speak on. 00:37:32.171 --> 00:37:36.011 So if you're interested in having someone speak in another venue, 00:37:36.041 --> 00:37:39.701 please contact the Jefferson Center, we'll be happy to help you. 00:37:40.441 --> 00:37:43.711 And we'd love to have you be involved with the Jefferson Center. 00:37:43.921 --> 00:37:50.681 So if you wanna stay in the loop, you can go to www.jcmh.org/get-involved. 00:37:51.291 --> 00:37:53.001 We also accept donations. 00:37:53.001 --> 00:37:54.561 We are a nonprofit organization. 00:37:56.286 --> 00:37:59.976 And we have a wonderful program called Mental Health First Aid. 00:37:59.976 --> 00:38:04.996 I'm actually a mental health first aid trainer, where we give trainings to 00:38:05.026 --> 00:38:11.926 the community and you can then be a certified Mental Health First Aid person 00:38:11.926 --> 00:38:15.376 who can help people in the community when they're in a mental health crisis. 00:38:15.646 --> 00:38:20.196 And those trainings are free, so that's a wonderful opportunity. 00:38:20.616 --> 00:38:25.356 Also we have a lot of events that are available to you, and you can 00:38:25.356 --> 00:38:27.786 find all of this on our webpage. 00:38:30.786 --> 00:38:37.889 And that concludes our presentation today on compassion. 00:38:37.989 --> 00:38:41.899 We're gonna take some questions here in a moment, but I wanted to let 00:38:41.899 --> 00:38:43.729 you know that you can contact me. 00:38:43.939 --> 00:38:48.229 This is my personal email, and if you have any questions, you are welcome 00:38:48.229 --> 00:38:58.819 to go to the webpage at jcmh.org, or you can call us at (303) 425-0300. 00:39:01.169 --> 00:39:05.309 And that's it for the presentation part of today. 00:39:05.579 --> 00:39:06.329 Let's go to some questions. 00:39:08.894 --> 00:39:09.344 Julia Marvin: Great. 00:39:09.344 --> 00:39:13.024 Lisel, thank you so much for all of that really great information. 00:39:13.024 --> 00:39:14.734 I know that I found it valuable. 00:39:15.044 --> 00:39:18.904 If you have a question just raise your hands and we'll call on you. 00:39:19.154 --> 00:39:21.224 We have gotten a few questions so far. 00:39:21.744 --> 00:39:26.874 The first one is, how do you practice self-compassion when the negativity 00:39:27.024 --> 00:39:29.304 comes from inside and outside? 00:39:30.364 --> 00:39:34.914 I think they mean if your partner or from work or school, you're getting negativity 00:39:34.914 --> 00:39:38.724 that way, but then also negativity that you're having towards yourself. 00:39:39.234 --> 00:39:39.774 Liesl Von Duck: Right! 00:39:39.774 --> 00:39:45.424 So the negativity you're having towards yourself is about stopping those in that 00:39:45.424 --> 00:39:50.914 internal critic and challenging that voice that says that you're doing something 00:39:50.914 --> 00:39:54.424 wrong and really finding the factual data. 00:39:54.454 --> 00:39:59.654 Like what is true about what you are experiencing and what is false? 00:39:59.804 --> 00:40:01.484 What do you need to let go of? 00:40:01.974 --> 00:40:04.644 Sometimes it can be helpful to talk to a counselor if you're 00:40:04.644 --> 00:40:06.234 really struggling in this area. 00:40:06.624 --> 00:40:08.214 If it's coming from the outside. 00:40:08.214 --> 00:40:13.324 Again, it's about dealing with that outside exposure. 00:40:13.654 --> 00:40:21.024 So is that person that's giving you the negative criticism in the arena with you? 00:40:21.799 --> 00:40:24.349 Are they understanding your story? 00:40:24.919 --> 00:40:30.569 Do they want to lend the support to you that you need if you are struggling? 00:40:31.769 --> 00:40:34.289 So you really have to evaluate that. 00:40:34.589 --> 00:40:39.746 And if you have someone in your life that's extremely negative, maybe you need 00:40:39.746 --> 00:40:41.846 to talk with them about your feelings. 00:40:42.527 --> 00:40:46.787 About how they're influencing the way that you feel about yourself. 00:40:47.877 --> 00:40:50.787 You can do that in a positive way just by letting them know. 00:40:50.787 --> 00:40:54.957 They may not know that you're feeling hurt by the way that they're 00:40:54.957 --> 00:40:59.632 talking to you, so just letting them know, wow, your words are really 00:40:59.632 --> 00:41:01.527 making me feel bad about myself. 00:41:03.361 --> 00:41:04.391 Julia Marvin: Great, thank you. 00:41:04.641 --> 00:41:09.301 Our next question is, my sister who I'm really close with is 00:41:09.301 --> 00:41:11.131 always putting herself down. 00:41:11.371 --> 00:41:14.881 How can I help her recognize this and help her practice self-compassion? 00:41:17.866 --> 00:41:21.416 Liesl Von Duck: That's a difficult thing to do because quieting the inner 00:41:21.416 --> 00:41:24.476 critic is done solely by yourself. 00:41:24.846 --> 00:41:30.096 What you can do though is help her challenge those thoughts. 00:41:30.396 --> 00:41:32.826 So when she says something negative about herself. 00:41:33.786 --> 00:41:38.376 It's important for you to say, hey, maybe that's not true. 00:41:38.406 --> 00:41:41.076 And help her explore what she's thinking. 00:41:41.506 --> 00:41:46.336 What's factual about what you said and how could you turn that into a positive? 00:41:46.826 --> 00:41:52.041 Taking what we learned today about taking the thought, and stopping it when it 00:41:52.061 --> 00:41:56.501 happens and you recognize it and then changing that thought into a positive 00:41:56.921 --> 00:41:59.351 is going to be extremely helpful. 00:41:59.651 --> 00:42:05.151 But then it's up to your sister to engage in that process of 00:42:05.151 --> 00:42:06.981 quieting her own inner critic. 00:42:10.611 --> 00:42:11.121 Julia Marvin: Thank you. 00:42:11.121 --> 00:42:13.161 We do have one final question. 00:42:13.411 --> 00:42:16.951 This one says, I've struggled with negative thoughts for years, but in the 00:42:16.951 --> 00:42:21.631 past few months I've been more isolated and feel like it's getting worse. 00:42:21.991 --> 00:42:25.051 I've wondered if I should see a therapist to get help with it, but then 00:42:25.051 --> 00:42:29.371 sometimes I get better at it for a little while and then it gets worse again. 00:42:29.651 --> 00:42:32.756 How do I know if I should see someone to help with the negative thought? 00:42:35.366 --> 00:42:38.966 Liesl Von Duck: Well, I would say since this has been going on for 00:42:38.966 --> 00:42:43.226 quite a while, that it's probably a good idea, but I'm also a huge 00:42:43.226 --> 00:42:46.886 proponent of engaging in mental health. 00:42:47.166 --> 00:42:50.646 We have an idea of need. 00:42:50.676 --> 00:42:53.316 I need to see a therapist because I'm in a crisis. 00:42:53.886 --> 00:42:58.546 Mental health is also something that you need to do regularly. 00:42:58.596 --> 00:43:03.306 It's like a maintenance program and so going to see a therapist 00:43:03.306 --> 00:43:08.436 regularly is actually a way of addressing positive mental health. 00:43:09.186 --> 00:43:14.526 I think everyone in the world should see a therapist because it's so lovely to 00:43:14.526 --> 00:43:20.959 have someone with an unbiased lens help you examine what's going on in your life. 00:43:21.439 --> 00:43:27.409 And to be very honest with you, most therapists have therapists because 00:43:27.409 --> 00:43:29.299 we know that this is so important. 00:43:29.869 --> 00:43:34.309 So my advice to you would be jump in, go see a therapist. 00:43:34.459 --> 00:43:39.319 I know that some people feel like seeing a therapist is kind of scary, but I want you 00:43:39.319 --> 00:43:43.939 to know that when you go into the therapy room, when you go into your therapist's 00:43:43.939 --> 00:43:49.129 office, they're never going to push you to do something or to feel something, or 00:43:49.129 --> 00:43:52.099 to say something that you're not ready to. 00:43:52.849 --> 00:43:59.449 So your therapist is really there as your sounding board just to help you 00:43:59.449 --> 00:44:00.754 find your way along your journey. 00:44:01.996 --> 00:44:03.496 Julia Marvin: Yeah, that's such a good point. 00:44:03.526 --> 00:44:07.566 I love that idea of that therapists are there for when you're in crisis, but also 00:44:07.696 --> 00:44:09.796 you don't have to be in crisis to see one. 00:44:09.796 --> 00:44:11.426 So that's a really great point. 00:44:11.706 --> 00:44:15.156 Lisel, I think that we're coming up on time, I just wanted to thank you 00:44:15.156 --> 00:44:17.896 again for this wonderful presentation. 00:44:17.896 --> 00:44:19.906 And thank you everyone for joining us. 00:44:19.956 --> 00:44:22.926 Just remember that no matter what you're facing in life, if you're feeling 00:44:22.926 --> 00:44:26.856 overwhelmed, worried, or stressed, Jefferson Center is here for you. 00:44:26.856 --> 00:44:31.056 And we are open, accepting new clients and accessing care is easier 00:44:31.056 --> 00:44:32.471 than ever with virtual appointments. 00:44:32.716 --> 00:44:37.186 You can visit our website at jcmh.org or follow us on Facebook for more 00:44:37.186 --> 00:44:44.516 resources and information, and you can also reach us by calling (303) 425-0300. 00:44:44.566 --> 00:44:46.276 Thank you all again and have a great day.